Regeneration
by Aperture Survivor
Summary: My (hopefully) better version of my previous story about a Time Lord named Rory Song who gets transported to another universe. TELL ME WHAT I'M DOING WRONG/RIGHT THIS TIME PLEASE! Also. I am having difficulty keeping track of time, so if I don't update regularly, that's my excuse. I will tell you if I am cancelling it. Like last time.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! I'm restarting my story. It's like Christmas, except for not at all like Christmas. And also since the *looks at stats* 187 (or so) of you who read my story never told me if you liked or disliked it, I don't know. That could be either good or bad, to be honest. Also, I am not an alien, despite how I ended my author's note with lates, humans, so whoever sent the government people after me, not cool. I am also (probably) not from or at the future, just to clarify. I've kinda just been lazy. I have been writing, so hopefully it'll be better. I noticed last time I lacked... I don't know what it's called, but it was just poor writing (probably). So this time, I'm going to ask you very clearly to tell me things that are wrong with this story. Right here:**

**Tell me things that are wrong with this story.**

**I am bad at determining what I'm doing wrong. So please tell me. I'm also going to come up with a different ending so I'm not getting almost dissected. Again. Okay?**

**Chapter one, Uno. Those are the only languages I know. Uhh, it's new, and stuff. And it's from someone's point of view. Yay! And it doesn't have Sontaran misspelled. It doesn't even have Sontarans in it. So, let it begin.**

Chapter 1-Who am I?

Pain. Lots of pain. That's the first thing I knew. Pain sucks. Then the pain started receding. Then it was warm, no. Not warm. Hot. Very, very hot. Boiling hot actually. And then it stopped. I opened my eyes. I was looking up at the ceiling. I felt different. Very different. I sat up. I was in a strange-looking circular-ish room.

The floor was made of glass with a bunch of metal things under it. There were some staircases going off into different directions. There was a torn-up couch in front of a TV that just threw off the rest of the room' s sci-fi theme. The TV had what looked like several video game systems put together. In the center there was a large, circular object with mechanical things built into it and a large glass tube in the center of it with some strange blue glass thing. The mechanical things were sparking and smoking. One caught fire for a moment. I was pretty sure that things aren't supposed to do that.

I stood up and I suddenly got dizzy. Then I heard a noise that sounded like hydraulics. I walked around the large, sparking, metal, thing to see a silver person. Yeah, a silver person. Well, silver robot-metal-thing. It had a handle-thing on the top of its head connected to its ears. Weird ears, but still, probably ears.

"Hello?" I asked. My voice was not British, which was sad. I could make it British. "Who're you?"

"YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY," the silver, robot-metal-thing said. It sounded stuck.

"You alright?" I said in a British accent, which sucked beyond suck. I'm not doing that a- how do I know what a British accent sounds like? Weird.

"YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOUUUUUUU," it said.

"Okay, so 'I' what?" I asked.

"WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL," it said.

"M'kay, I will?"

"BBBBBBEEEEEE DDDEELETED," it said.

"I will be deleted. Huh. Well, that doesn't sound too-" I am really slow. It pointed its arm at me. There was something that looked a lot like the barrel of a gun sticking out of the arm, aimed at my face.

"No, you'll be deleted!" I screamed kicking it in the face. It hurt my foot and didn't do anything to the robot man. Hurt my foot, but not the robot. Somehow, I avoided the laser and ran up the stairs. I ran down the hallway and ducked into a room. I heard the robot thing walking around; hydraulics and a clang of metal against metal. It was getting closer. I looked around the room, which I guessed was the kitchen, for something I could use as a weapon. I found a knife and stood next to the door.

My plan was this; wait for the crazed robot with lasers to walk in past me, stab it, and maybe say something witty. Actually, that's required. It was very slow, considering it took it like 5 minutes for it to get to where I was when it took me about 10 seconds to get to the door. Eventually I saw it walk by and I jumped out and stabbed it in the back screaming "Bananas!" I couldn't think of something witty to say.

It made a scratch on the robots back. It also shattered into pieces. It turned around and grabbed my shoulder. Well, I'm dead, I thought. Then I felt electricity going through my body. I fell to the ground. Everything starting going dark when suddenly my hands did something weird. They started glowing and giving off some sort of gas. The robot stared at me blankly as I stood up. It was probably just as confused as I was. Suddenly, I got really hot and the gold gas just shot everywhere, clouding my vision. I heard robotic screaming and when everything came back into focus, I saw the robot's head explode. Some weird, squishy stuff came with the robot parts that I didn't really want to know what it was. Then I heard hydraulics. Lots of freakin hydraulics. I was about to get really busy.

**And so ends the first installment of Regeneration! I need to come up with a better title. I also just looked away and read internet comics and when I turned back, it was dark. So, that's weird. I just did it again. Hurray for short attention spa**


	2. Robots and Gold Dust

Chapter 2- Robots and Gold Dust

**Hello, creatures/robot/deities that can read! I finally finished chapter 2! Yay me!  
(Actually, I finished it a while ago, but it was really stupid, involving a wall magically manifesting and obliterating stuff, so I changed it.) And I added a cover!**

I heard the robot's footsteps getting louder and louder, so I ran off in the other direction. Even though I really didn't have any memories, I had reflexes, considering I could still walk and stuff, which gave me an amazing idea. I might be able to go only off of reflexes to a safe place. So I closed my eyes and ran forward...

Right into a wall. A very hard, very solid wall. Damn. That idea was stupid anyway. I suddenly realized that my face hurt. I felt it and my nose was broken. Then it gave off that weird light and it wasn't broken. I officially love that light stuff. Heals me and kills anything else. Awesome. I heard the robot's getting closer. I ran down a hallway.

Eventually, I saw a sealed door. I tried the door. It was locked, of course, which always means that I'm going the right direction if I want to win. True, it's using video game logic, but it can probably be put into real life situations as well. I kicked the door, which only managed to hurt my foot in the process. I heard them getting closer so I did the next best thing. I felt in my pockets, which seemed larger than I thought they'd be and pulled something out. It was a bronze-colored metal thing with a green light bulb thing on the top. It seemed familiar, and I instinctively pressed the button on it. The thing made a high-pitched noise and lit up. The door sparked and opened, which was much better than leaving it near the door, making it seem like I had gone through. I quickly went through and waited for the door to close.

a few minutes later I decided it wasn't going to close and started to investigate the room. It was dark, but I could see from the light from the door. And also the glowy-metal-magic wand thing worked as a flashlight too, which was cool. And useful. Coolsful. I made a word. Awesome.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. So I was looking around and there wasn't much in there. Some chairs, a tipped over sofa, several random crates, a coffee table-wait what? I stared at the crates, not sure what to do with them. I pointed the glowy-metal-magic wand at the crate and pressed the button. The crate didn't break or click open. I grabbed one of the chairs and beat the crate with it until it broke. In it was a bunch of ammunition. This is completely useless. I don't have a gun. I broke open the other crates and I got more random crap; several vials of green sludge, more ammunition, a grenade, a pumpkin, and a few bags of gold dust. For one crazy moment, I said to myself; _hey! I'll toss gold dust at them until they explode._ I took the grenade and put it in my pocket and put the other stuff on the coffee table.

I turned around to leave and I saw one of the robots standing in the doorway. I stifled a scream and pulled out the grenade and threw it at the robot. It harmlessly bounced off its chest and fell to the ground. I am an idiot, forgetting to pull the pin first. Stupid. The robot advanced on me and I backed away. I tripped over a part of one of the crates and found myself lying on the ground with the robot staring at me. I felt my hand on something, so I threw it. It was an open bag of gold dust, which left the bag and hit the robot in the face. It started to scream and it collapsed. It took a while to get the robot off of me, either it was really heavy or I was really weak. I quickly grabbed the other gold dust bags. I noticed that the pumpkin wasn't there, even though I thought I put it there. I didn't investigate, so I looked out the door to make sure there weren't any other robots outside. I didn't see any, so I snuck out of the room, only to immediately be seen by a large number of them that just turned the corner.

"DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!" they said in unison, with their arms raised. I noticed that some had arm lasers and others didn't, along with several other minor differences. I quickly put my hands up.

"Okay! You win. I give up," I said. They got closer. "There's no way I can possibly defeat all of you." They were ten feet away and closing. "You know, unless I had some sort of object I could use to defeat you like, I don't know..." They were within arms distance. "Gold dust!" I threw gold dust at the robots. Most collapsed, others started saying; "UPGRADE IN PRO-" and then collapsed to the ground. I quickly ran in the other direction.

|_(=)_|

A few hours past, and I did basically the same thing, although some of the robots looked really different than others. Some had something that looked like accordions on their chests and lasers on their handle-thing on their heads. Some looked like metal samurai. Others looked completely derpy.

Eventually, I ran out of gold dust and hid in a room. I assumed it was the library, considering there were books everywhere. There were some random crates, as usual, just sitting out for some reason. I had started to head over to them when I heard a noise. I quickly hid behind a book case and peeked over the side. I saw the strangest thing; a crate levitating over from another room. Actually, it was being carried by a device that made it fly using a blue laser. Carrying it was some guy. He held this laser-emitter or advanced blue flashlight. He was wearing a blue three-piece suit, wore a fedora, and kinda reminded me a lot of some sort of mysterious government official. Deciding he wasn't a robot, I revealed myself from behind the bookcase.

"Hello!" I said. He got startled and dropped the crate. It broke open and a pumpkin rolled out.

"Don't do tha-" He stopped short when he saw me. "Damn." He gave a nervous laugh. "This is going to be hard to explain. Damn."

"You're not a robot!" I said.

"No shit, really?" he said looking frustrated. "I thought I was! And for the record, Cybermen are cyborgs, not robots."

"Cybermen?" I asked. It sounded ridiculous, Cybermen.

"I... okay, I guess it's kinda my fault. I mean, I was too lazy to set this thing up beforehand. Is that a word, beforehand? I dunno. Anyway-" He was interrupted by a long, silver thing latching on to his neck. He looked at it for a moment. "Mother- dumb nugget." He then collapsed to the ground, dead. The thing then started to advance towards me. I grabbed a book and threw it at it. It didn't help.

Then something weird happened. The guy's body disappeared, and if that wasn't weird enough; the guy flew through a wall (literally through it, like a ghost or something) and beat it with a crowbar. "DIE BITCH!" He screamed. He beat it for about ten minutes until it finally stopped moving. "Jegu-Jesus. I hate those things. Why did I think it was a good idea to put them in crates like that?"

"Umm," I started to say. He put his hand over my mouth.

"Not now, I'm thinking," he said. "There was something that was important that just happened, but I don't remember what." He thought for a little bit. "I've got nothing."

I moved his hand. "Can I help?" I asked.

"Now I remember! I just reveeeeeeee-" he looked at me. "Right. You showed up waaay before you were supposed to."

"Sorry," I said. "I tend to that. I think. Where did that come from?" I pointed at the now-dead silver thing.

"It came from the crate. You know, the one you made me drop."

"With the pumpkin?" I asked.

He frowned. "What pumpkin?"

"The one. That came from the crate," I said a bit quietly.

He looked confused. "There was never a pumpkin there, and I'm quite certain there never will be."

I stared at him for a few seconds. "Ookay. Wait, why was that thing in the crate anyway?"

He shrugged. "Extra challenge," he said.

"And why?" I asked.

"For the test- god dammit," he said. "I am no good at keeping secrets, am I?"

"Nope."

"Well, derogatory terms to that!" He snapped his fingers and I started feeling lightheaded. "I'll explain a bit. I first have to clean up this-" I lost consciousness and collapsed to the ground.

**And so ends Chapter 2. For you who read my super-ultra-special-chocolate-coated-super-derpy previous one, you will know him as that guy with the keyboard. Who was also writing the story, although that doesn't happen in this one. And if there are grammatical errors, then I'm sorry. I tried to look for them, but maybe I didn't find all of them.**

**Also to the one person who actually did what I asked, to tell me what I'm doing wrong, Thanks! My motivation is restored.  
I'll try to get Chapter 3 by next Sunday, but if I don't, I'm sorry.**

**(=(o)=) Goodnight.**

** /|\**


	3. From the Eyes of God

Chapter 3- From the Eyes of God

**Hello! Sorry I'm late. Bad things happened and one thing led to the next. That's why I'm late.**

My first response was; "Oh, shit," when he just was all, "hallo! I'm a little British boy who's always poking his nose in other people's business."

Okay, to be honest, he really isn't British. Well, he was. But, not anymore. Regeneration can be a bitch like that sometimes.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. He just walked in and ruined the entire damn test, so yeah, I was angry. I worked like, ten minutes on that test. I put a lot of work in it, and he's all like; "Derp, derp, derp. Look at me, I saw you! Your test is all stupid now!"

I'm getting carried away again. I'm sorry.

Okay, so, I had just knocked him out, and he was sprawled out on the floor, so the first thing I did was pick him up with my Physics Gun and drag him through the rest of the test, so, you know it would like he did it. I then put his almost-lifeless body on the couch and cleaned up all the Cyberman bits lying all over the place. I know, it's technically protocol to obliterate the entire area, but if the TARDIS broke it would punch a hole in the universe, and you know what that means. More paperwork. Not very fun.

I straitened my tie. I hate this tie. So. Very. Much. But, it wasn't Friday, and that means you have to be all fancy with the ties, and the 3-piece suits, and all that shit. It's so stupid. I snapped my fingers to wake him up. He didn't wake up, which was weird.

"Okay, Song," I said. "Get up."

He refused to regain consciousness.

"Song," I said. "This isn't funny. Now wake up."

He had nerve. I'll give him that. I pushed him off the couch. He just lied there with his face on the ground. I started to wonder if he could breathe.

"Damn it Song! Get up!" I shouted. I created a cup of coffee. Probably the only good thing about my... I suppose, promotion, would be the right word here. So, only good thing about my promotion, because, you know it's _way_ too hard to just go to the break room and press a few buttons on a coffee machine. Actually, we don't have a break room; just a cardboard box with a bottle of water. I mean, we make millions of dollars a year with very little expenses. You'd think we'd have enough to build a break room, but nope. I sometimes wonder if the money even has value.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I created a cup of coffee and dumped it on him. He just lied there.

"WTF, Man!" I said. "Just fricken get up, I mean, just wake up, damn it!"

This was the last straw. I grabbed a pistol and shot his leg. As I expected, he didn't wake up, and I created a Medkit. Now for the complicated part; how to use it. So I read the instructions.

Instructions for use: Simply touch, pick up, or walk over Medkit. Doing so will heal most types of injuries, including bullet wounds, zombie slashes, antlion gouges, grenade shrapnel, and even self-inflicted damage caused by careless falls off ledges and catwalks (Note: falls from large bridges can be fatal!) Our patented technology will even remove pesky bloodstains from your clothing and body... instantly!  
Talk to a doctor before using Medkit. Side-effects may include blurred vision and inflated sense of invulnerability. This Medkit is also Eco-Friendly and will completely and instantly biodegrade upon use.

"Ooh, that's a nice feature," I said. I took the Medkit and touched him with it. Nothing happened. Then I remembered that that damn intern who wrote up the Medkit added some (what did he call it? Easter eggs?) Easter eggs for reasons I have yet to understand. Making fun of the video game variant of the universe. Stupid intern.

Why do we even have interns? I mean, come on. We're an elite group of immortal beings with infinite power. Yet we have interns. Why? No one knows! Our job is to manipulate the multiverse to what we see fit, without letting everyone know we exist. Yet we have interns. When I asked G-Man about it, he said in his extra-derpy voice something about how I was once an intern who worked my way up, except for not really. I was put in a situation where the world was about to be taken over by space squids and I had to blow them up. Then I had to save the world from the more powerful space squids that I couldn't because G-Man put in stasis for 20 stupid years. I mean what was the point of that? I had a laser. That could kill them instantly. And I had a rocket launcher. That could kill them instantly. And then when I woke up, I got a bent piece of metal, a pat on the back, and an entire army of elite super soldiers to kill. All of them, I should add, with super lasers. Just let me rush about with my laser that has to ability to kill anything! Is that too much to ask?

I'm sorry, I got distracted. I slapped him in the face with the Medkit. The glass vial broke open and stabbed into his face, which also let the liquid get into his body, so it was okay. His eyes fluttered open.

"Whu-" he said.

"FRICKEN FINALLY!" I shouted at him, startling him.

"Who the hell are you?" He rubbed his leg. He then winced and looked down. "Did you just shoot me?" He said in a calm voice, but I could tell he was holding back a scream.

"WHAT THE HELL!" he shouted at me.

"In my defense, you weren't waking up."

"Oh my fu-" he put his hand over his face. "Ow!" he looked at his hand. "Is this glass?"

"I don't know how this thing works!" I showed him the Medkit.

"So you hit me with it?"

"Yeah. Kinda."

"Did you try pressing the button?" He pressed a grey button on the Medkit. The remains of the vial fell out and a needle came out of the end.

"Shut up," I said. "I'm giving you a job, okay?"

"I don't want a stupid job."

"It's not stupid. It involves saving the world."

"Really?" he asked. "Really? Oh boy! I've always wanted to be an eco-terrorist!"

"No, as in saving the world from a damn alien invasion."

He looked at me for a moment. "Okay, now I know I'm crazy."

"No, you're not," I said. "Trust me, you were tested."

"Okay, let's assume for a moment I'm completely sane and everything you tell me is completely and absolutely true. Why should I go with you when only a few minutes ago you shot me in the leg and then smashed glass on my face?"

"Because... uh..." I thought for a moment. Then I remembered. "Because I have your memories!" I opened my briefcase and took out a vial of blue sludge. "See! Memories!"

He looked at my funny. "Really?"

I looked back at it. "Oh, wait. This is Repulsion Gel." I put it back and pulled out a vial of orange sludge. After that it was white sludge, and then purple. Then I pulled out the right vial. "Here. Memories."

"Are you sure? Because it looks like it could be-" I gave him a look that said if he didn't shut up now, I'd blast him into atoms.

"Yes, I'm damn sure." I handed him the vial. I turned to my briefcase to get out the administer. "I should also mention to not drink it, otherwise, there's a good chance you'll die."

I turned around and he was staring at me. The vial was empty. "Wait, what?" He collapsed to the ground, his eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he started to convulse excessively.

"Damn it. See, this is why we can't have nice things. Also the bosses are way too cheap."

Not sure what to do, I grabbed my Tool Gun out of my briefcase and blasted him with high levels of radiation. Yeah. There's an app for that. I did a quick scan, which showed I blasted him with too much radiation. I then changed my Tool Gun's setting and removed the radiation from his body. There's an app for that too. Then something really bad happened. He started to regenerate, even though he was still in his regeneration cycle. Something was going wrong and I started to think about all the paperwork I was going to sign. His regeneration energy got so bright I had to turn away. I checked my watch. I still had thirty minutes, so I was good. When the light died down I turned back. He looked exactly the same. I reached down toward his neck to check his pulse when he grabbed my hand with faster-than-god-like-figure reflexes. His eyes were glowing and gold colored with residual regeneration energy coming out of them. He muttered something in I couldn't quite make out. He looked very angry.

"Well?" I said, trying to pull my wrist out of his grip. It didn't work, so I slipped into no-clip and pulled it through. "Did it work? Because if not, I did-"

"No. It didn't, you worthless-" he tried to punch me, but I was still in no-clip, so it sailed harmlessly through my head.

"I did tell you to wait," I said.

"You didn't, though."

"Yes I did."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes!"

"No!"

I thought back. "Oh yeah. I didn't. Sorry."

"I could have-whoa." He started staring off into space.

"What?" I asked.

He didn't answer.

I waved my hand in front of his face. "Helloooooo?"

I figured he was having a flashback.

"Are you having a flashback, because if so, you do realize that A) I can't see it, and B) You look really weird right now."

No response.

"If there's a fire, I'm not dragging you to safety."

Nothing.

"I'm being legit right now."

Still nothing.

"Hey, I accidentally let your sister die on a spaceship."

I put a finger on his chest. He fell over, like a useless ragdoll. I mean what can you do with a ragdoll? And I mean that is actually helpful, not put them in weird poses. They aren't good building materials, you can't get TV reception from them, and you can't throw them very well. The only point of them would-

He groaned and sat up. His eyes were still glowing gold. Then he blinked. His eyes changed to a blue.

He smiled. "Okay, it worked a little."

"How much do you remember?" I asked.

"My name is Rory Song, I was at one point British, everyone in my family is dead at this point in my timeline, and I think I beat a potato dwarf to death with a bar stool," he said. "And I agreed to some test where I kill a bunch of Cybermen from a bunch of different points in time. Besides that, I still have no idea what the hell is going on."

"Yep. That pretty much sums it up."

You were there."

"Yeah. Which means... my story is credible! Hell yes!"

"Or I'm crazy."

I didn't listen. "So, does that mean you'll take the job?"

"OR I'm crazy. The keywords here are 'I'm' and 'Crazy.'

"Is that a no? Because if it's a no, I'm required by policy to kill you."

"But, you're not real. And last I checked, you can't be killed by things that aren't real."

I thought about it for a moment. "Okay, let's assume for the moment I'm not real. What do you lose by taking the job?"

"Less sanity?" Song said.

"Okay. Now let's realize I'm real. What do you lose now?"

"One of my many lives?"

"Wrong! As it turns out when you were convulsing on the floor like an idiot-"

"That's not helping you."

"You wasted all your regeneration energy and now you're all the way down to one life. Why does sound like I'm talking about a video game right now?"

"I guess I see your point."

"Sooo?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Is that a yes?"

He looked frustrated.

"I'm going to take that as a yes. Now-" I created a bunch of games and gave them to him. "You play these games. Learn about necessary universe stuff."

"These are video games. How am I supposed to learn about the universe with these?"

"Are you really that stupid? In multiverses, universes connect with each other in two ways; creativity of creatures that can be creative and a giant swirling vortex."

"So your saying-"

"Yes, there is a universe where everything is made of ice cream."

He seemed shocked about this.

"Just play the games and then go find a random shed for electric stuff in the middle of a wheat field. Go in the shed. Then you will have to-" My phone rang. I picked it up. "Hello?"

A raspy voice I knew (unfortunately) quiet well was on the other end. "What do you think you are doing?"

"Oh. Hey F-" I stopped myself. "G-Man. How are you doing?"

"You are aware that you took-"

"Yeah. I know you were going to do it, but I called dibs."

He was silent for a moment. "Is he aware that your previous... subjects died within several hours of assignment?"

"Don't ask, don't tell," I said. "And this time it's going to be different. I know it will."

"Would you be willing to make a wager on it?"

"Hell yeah! If I win, you give me the Dead Waters assignment."

He seemed surprised. I wouldn't blame him. He's one of the best and even he didn't know what to do with that. "And if you are to lose..." He told me what would happen if I lost. I shuddered.

"Deal. That's not happening this time," I said and hung up.

"What was that about?" Song asked.

"Oh, you know. Just another friendly bet between co-workers where millions of lives just so happen hang in the balance of the outcome. Nothing to worry about."

"Okay. At this point I've decided that none of this exists and am just gonna go with it."

"Great! Just don't die. Or I'll lose."

"Okay!"

"And millions will die."

"Okay!"

"Painfully."

"Okay!"

"And slowly. Did I mention slowly?"

"Nope!"

"Stop being so cheerful. I'm telling you if you die, the Apocalypse will happen. Again."

He looked at me.

"Wait, did you say you accidently killed my sister with a sp-"

"Shut up and play your games."

"But that didn't-"

**The end of chapter three. I'm still thanking only person who actually is telling me stuff. But it's cool. And when your reading the parts with G-Man, just... whatever.**

I snapped my fingers and teleported away.


	4. In This Chapter is a Fez

**Hey guys! Holy *obscure derogatory terms*! This was so late. Sorry. I went off into hidin-the woods for a few weeks and when I got back... Well, I got distracted. Surprise. Anyway, I didn't know what to call this chapter.**

Chapter 4-In This Chapter is a Fez

While I was playing Half-Life, I started feeling a little uneasy, like I was trying to remember something, but there wasn't anything to remember. By the time I was playing one of the spinoffs of Half-Life, I had this weird feeling that maybe I wasn't hallucinating this, maybe it was real. When I started playing Half-Life 2, everything felt real. Well, it felt real before, but now it felt really real, or whatever. By the time I finished, I started remembering things. Not important things, but just things, like I am part human, not just Time-Lord (I don't really know what that means for me), or that I was named after my grandfather. By the time I was halfway through Half-Life 2: Episode 2, I was getting angry at the fact that it wasn't called Half-Life 3, I mean what was the point of that?

Then I started playing Portal. I had this weird flashback thing. It wasn't really a flashback, more like a brief glimpse of a moment. I was holding a dead man in my arms. He had blank eyes and was wearing a ridiculous bowtie. I couldn't remember anything else. Then I focused back into reality and fell into a pit of corrosive acid. I threw the controller across the room. Why is there so much corrosive acid in this game anyway? And isn't supposed to be based actual events? How does any of this make sense? I got off the couch and picked up the controller. It looked like an Xbox controller (I am not sure how I know what an Xbox controller looks like), but it was modified. It had a Wii controller (still not sure about that) on the front and this stupid extra handle in the middle. The buttons didn't have letters, they had these weird circular patterns on them, but I understood them the same way I knew what an Xbox controller looked like, I just did.

I finished that and started playing Portal 2, which was a lot better than the first one in my opinion. I was still wondering how the hell this stuff is true, but then again, a universe made entirely of ice cream doesn't seem true or possible, considering the heat energy from stars and pressure, along with the fact that ice cream is a human-made thing using cows (which wouldn't exist), but I guess that's not important. At the end of Portal, where there was the whole turret opera-thing, I understood it, which was kind of weird. So I can understand French or Latin or whatever.

After the credits ended, which was completely blank, I wasn't really sure what to do. I put the controller-thing down and walked over to the control panel in the center of the room. It was in perfect shape, which was weird because I recalled it being all exploded and burned, with the glasswork (if it was glass) in the middle being broken. And I'm certain the swivel monitor (or whatever it's called) on the side was broken and on the ground. But it wasn't. Instead, it was connected to the ceiling. I pulled it down and looked at it. On it was more weird circles things I can understand. Basically it was saying that I was still in flight. So, I was in a giant plane. Or a space ship, which wouldn't have made my day any weirder. I looked at the control panel and pushed a couple buttons, pulled some levers, and used a typewriter. The entire place shook and made noise and the blue-glass thing in the center started moving up and down. Well, it may have already been doing that. I'm pretty unobservant.

Everything stopped shaking. I turned to the exit, and he was there. Like last time, he wore a blue three piece suit with a purple tie, a brown fedora, and that briefcase. He just said one thing:

"Wow. You still look really stupid."

I took a look at myself. I did look really stupid. I was wearing a torn, blue suit, burned with several holes from lasers and a pair of no-longer-nice-or-blue slacks. One of the legs was completely torn off.

"Still?" I said. "It's only been like 10... Hours."

"Don't worry, I know fix this!" he said.

He pulled out a small thing out of his pocket. It was a long object with a small, plastic head on the top. I wasn't entirely sure who it was, but he definitely looked familiar. He pulled the head out and pulled out a small red thing. It expanded in his hand until it was a hat.

"Fez Dispenser!" he exclaimed. He walked over to me and put it on my head.

I wasn't exactly certain what to say, so I just stared at him with an expression that said, WTF?

He grinned at me. "Perfect. Now go, rush off and save the world and shit."

"But-" I started to say.

"Bye!" He disappeared.

"Wait!" I started to say. This was starting to get ridiculous. I took off the fez and threw it at the door. "God damn it!" I looked down at my clothes. You know what? I don't give a damn anymore. This is probably just some terrible hallucination and I'm some mad man in a straitjacket in a rubber room talking to myself. I opened the doors, which I noticed were wood. Well, I tried to open the doors. Instead I heard a voice from behind me.

"Right," he said. "I forgot to set the universe. Man, that's embarrassing."

"What the hell?" I said. "Why do you keep showing up?"

"Because I keep forgetting things," he said while he put his hand under the control panel.

I guess he pressed a button because immediately the entire room started to shake violently. Also he shouted; "Secret-magic-universe-selection-button-pressing time!"

I screamed several things that I will not repeat.

It shook violently for a few minutes and then abruptly stopped.

"What was that?" I said.

His hat had fallen off and he was on the ground. "Universal transport is never pleasant."

He picked up his hat and put it back on.

"What is going on?" I put my hands to my head.

"Well, for starts, you jumped universes," he said. "And it probably would have been smoother if you hadn't landed the TARDIS."

"The what?" I asked.

"The TARDIS. It stands for Time and-"

"...Relative Dimensions in Space," I shook my head. How did I know that? How do I know anything? Same answer; I just do.

"Pfft, whatever," he said. "Anyway, you do know what you're doing, right?"

"Uh..."

"Okay, well just go out there!"

I stared at him.

"And then go underground!"

I gave him a look of confusion.

"Aaand don't let her kill you!"

I kept giving him that look.

"And use your screwdriver! That's the lighty-thing you used to open the door earlier! It can do pretty much anything, unless it's made of wood! But there really isn't anything made of wood, so you don't have to worry about that!"

"You are very weird," I said.

He shrugged. "I call it spontaneous!" While he said the word spontaneous, he flicked his hands out and sparks came out.

I decided to not say anything.

"Well," he said, clapping his hands. "I have to go-" there was a ringing noise. "Oh, hang on."

He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a revolver-sized gun. He held it up to his ear like a phone.

"Hello?" he said. "Oh, hey G-Man."

He paused for a moment.

"No, I'm not going to forfeit. Nothing happened... Okay, well that's too bad. Yes! I know how likely your projections are. Yes. Yes. Maybe. No. Want to hear the sound of me not giving a shit? Okay, yeah, whatever, derp derp derp. Yeah? Well who's the one who's the one who stopped those Elite terrorists?" Pause. "Okay, yes. Technically that was you, but who gave you the- Fine then, who gave it to Slycard?" Pause. "Okay, well, yeah, but... Look I'm the one made the damn thing so shut the fuck up!"

He paused for a moment. "Okay. No thank you. Goodbye." He put the gun back in his pocket. "Sorry, omnipotent immortal stuff."

"Umm, wasn't that a gun?" I said.

He pulled it back out. "No shit. It is a Tool Gun. It has millions of possible things you can do with it, like a smartphone, but so much better." It had a small screen on it connected with several wires and taped to the barrel was a battery.

"Well," he said. "You know what you're doing right?"

"Uh..." I started to say. "Well..."

"Great!" he said. He snapped his fingers and disappeared.

"... You know, you weren't very good at telling me what to do, but I guess that's not important!" I said as if he was still here.

You know what? I thought, in all of those games, there's always only been one way to go, and if it follows that logic, I'll figure it out. And, I think he said something about going to Aperture.

I opened the doors and looked out. The TARDIS was directly in front of a wheat field. I looked down and picked up the fez I'd thrown at the door. It was crumpled, but I straitened it back and put it on my head. Why not? My day's been weird enough, I thought while I exited the TARDIS.

* * *

**(Just figured out how to do that)^**

**Well, wasn't that fun? (No.) Shut up.  
Okay, it was kinda just filler, or whatever it's called. I was going to make it longer, but I said "NO! I REFUSE TO GO 5 WEEKS WITHOUT A CHAPTER SO NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Normally I would put the rest of the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody (Holy shit, I spelled that right on my first shot), but I got distracted. *Screams for ten minutes about getting distracted, then reads more internet comics* Well, I guess that's it, Next weeks or when I finally get it done will definetly be more interesting. I will say it involves a large creature and finally Chell! :D**

**Okay, that's it. Bye!**

**(=(o)=)**

**/|\**


	5. Oh wow I suck as

**Hey guys. I am very bad at deadlines so I'm going to build up some extra chapters so I'll be ahead of the game. For this I'm going to go on a hiatus or whatever it's called. So yeah.**

**Sorry. Promise I'll be back before spring.**


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